noise
what comes from our mind, needn't become stressors. note your thoughts as noise, instead.
some noise is worth paying attention to, other noise is simply just there. noise doesn't always inherently mean something.
think of it like creaky floorboards: you may notice your floorboards creaking late at night, and yet, nobody is there. it's simply wood expanding or shifting ever so slightly. do you panic, believing someone is there, or do you recognize this happens and simply let it be?
we let our mind take us to many places. fear, love, hate. most people try to avoid or compartmentalize their intrusive thoughts, especially the ones that bother them. some people get mad at their intrusive thoughts and lash out in various areas of their life. some people get so stuck, they give up. they are still living, yet essentially lifeless.
understanding: "your thoughts mustn't be taken seriously" is the first step in achieving “control” over your emotion. i use the term control loosely, as there is no such thing as controlling the mind. it's a beast that cannot be tamed, and it, almost poetically, has a mind of it's own.
there are two elements to the “mind”. there is the “observer", the one that shifts focus and attention, noticing things. there is also the “thinking mind”, this one is essentially a never-ending stream of random commentary, sometimes reactive, othertimes unrelated to anything. some of what it comes up with is useful, but most of the time it is just noise. it loves to tell stories. “thanks mind”, you might like to tell it, since it does such a wonderful job.
the “observer”, and the “storyteller”. the storyteller isn't really you, it's a blend of our environment, biology and habits, filling silence to feel useful. the observer however, is a widely untapped tool for success, growth, and improvement. it can be a source of quiet and steadiness. it doesn't demand, or make up stories. it observes.
we don't use our observant mind nearly as much as we should, and this is how some people end up getting stuck, feeling as if they are broken, incapable of change. i thought this once too about my own being. that i was stuck.
"i can't change."
the act of us getting too caught up in our own thoughts, taking them far more seriously than we should, is called “cognitive fusion”. it's when one begins believing their thoughts too quickly, or "fusing" your reality with them. when we mistake the stories as truth. when we hear something in our head and don't observe it, but trust it instincitvely.
it's thinking: “man, i suck at this,” and believing it. feeling it. looking out for evidence as to why you suck at “this”. not letting it go, because you suck at this. never feeling like you're doing enough, because you suck at this.
we all suck at “this”: life, and most things. we suck at them because we are inherently flawed creatures. our earliest ancestors had faulty genetics, conditions, and neurological design flaws, and this has been passed down to us, generation after generation. one arguably archaic system in particular being the amygdala.
while not necessarily faulty, some may say the amygdala is a tad bit sensitive for today's societal structure. nowadays, instead of our fears being about bears that might tackle and rip us apart, our fears are much more mundane. first world problems. bills, relationship struggles, our careers, whether we should have that drink or not, whether you should send that text or not.
our amygdala is constantly looking for danger. it loves to believe in fears that stem from previous associations, and this is how it knows what "danger" is. let's say you were listening to the song: “pumped up kicks” when you got a call that your grandma died. now everytime you hear that song, you feel a weight in your stomach, and you can't quite put your finger on why. this is your amygdala in action.
“neurons that fire together, wire together.”
so what? what's the solution you ask? frankly, there is no real, final solution to the amygdala. our brain is a pain-creating machine. this is how we survived, through pain-tolerance and coping mechanisms. however, there is a way to let it effect you a whole lot less, and manage your reactions strategically.
cognitive fusion has a counterpart, often called cognitive defusion. it's the act of creating distance between you and a thought you may be “fused with”. observing the stories for what they really are, and accepting them.
so: “man, i suck at this.”
what if instead you thought: “i'm having the thought where i believe i suck at this.”
"thanks for telling me that story, mind. you're so creative."
do you feel the distance? say both phrases out loud. notice if there's a difference in how they make you feel.
if someone was telling a story outloud, right in front of you. you'd probably hear it quite well, taking it a bit more seriously. you may be more invested in the story with this closeness to it.
if you were across a campfire, talking with your other friends, that “somebody” telling the story outloud seems a bit more like background noise. you may not even pay attention to the words or story being spoken.
this is essentially the idiom known as “cognitive defusion”, and it may take some time to properly understand.
it's not about gaslighting yourself into thinking you shouldn't be thinking these things, no.
you're gonna have negative thoughts. it happens.
do you have to listen to them? no.
do you have to engage with them? also no.
you can choose to notice them, and say "thanks mind, that's a pretty cool story."
or if you find it particularly helpful, even saying to yourself: "thinking."
this act of labeling creates distance from our storytelling mind, and allows us to notice the distinction between the us that observes, and the us that is merely part of us, chattering.
it's interesting, really, once you learn this distinction. that there truly is an "inner voice" you can navigate through the noise to find.
the one that CAN be trusted, and the one that can help you navigate through things further, and align yourself closer to your goals.
i urge you to take a few moments to close your eyes, and think. just think.
think about what's on your mind.
use the techniques outlined above.
"i've noticed that i'm thinking about xyz."
"thanks for telling me that story, mind."
"you're such a creative storyteller, mind."
there's a LOT of stories we tell ourselves
and one of the worst ones that we tell is the fact that we HAVE to listen to them.
because we don't.
i'm thankful for my mind
“thanks mind.” it's like, burning toast, and your smoke detector goes off. is something wrong? no.
is your smoke detector doing it's job? yes.
thank your mind for doing its job, which is to tell stories. your internal narrator is always working, give it some appreciation.
we tell stories because they're interesting to listen to. as a child, you may have watched a horrifying movie, maybe one where something lives in the walls, or one where everyone's apparently a kidnapper.
this scares the shit out of you for some time, and you now have a fear of whatever the movie was about.
but, as you go through life you begin to realize what you watched was fiction, and not indicative of everyday life. sure, bad things DO happen, but they don't happen nearly as often as the story you bought into.
this is the same way with your mind. it is always thinking. and most of the time it's thinking about fiction. thank your mind for it's creativity, and dedication to it's craft. it does a fantastic job at being a narrator, doesn't it?
and when you thank your mind, don't do it with sarcasm. it's not your minds fault, you're taking it personally. that's your fault.
but it's okay. because nobody taught us how to navigate “the mind.”
we're left to figure it out, because the education system wanted us to be miserable. they don't want us to ask questions. to challenge thoughts. because if we did, maybe we'd realize our minds aren't actually the problem.
“thanks, mind. for everything you do.”
feeling
if you are an avoidant like me, when you're faced with unpleasant feelings, your first, primal instinct is to escape them.
like our ancestors ran from wolves, albeit maybe unsuccessfully, but i'm sure they did.
because, in the name of survival, we need a survival instinct. otherwise, what are we left with?
fear is the most powerful feeling of all, and interestingly enough is the most powerful tool for cult leaders.
why? because with fear inside of you, things get a little less rational. your amygdala has the power to override your frontal cortex (the part of you that thinks things through)
fear is also what leaves a lot of us feeling stuck in today's world.
we can't get rid of it, and it's unlikely you would want to. it has a role, and an important one.
without fear, real, valuable suspicions would never be made, such as whether you recognize that “bank rep” over the phone is a scammer or not.
or how we recognize, maybe we shouldn't go near that homeless dude who has a suspicious amount of unnatural energy.
suspicions and fears are not always bad. in fact, even today, sometimes they are still crucial to our survival.
i've learned more recently how important it is to accept feelings for what they are. i used to think i was already doing this, and yet i was running from all of them.
i was running from joy, and i was running from fear. i ran from sadness, and shame, and guilt. i numbed myself with whatever i could find, in hopes that maybe these feelings would go away.
i made myself empty. i created the void where my feelings were supposed to go. i taught myself to push them aside and pretend they aren't there.
but that's no way to live. we're emotional beings. we need to feel to be. and if we cannot feel, then we cannot be.
plus, what is life without a full range of emotions? it's awfully dull without feeling, and claustrophobic when you try and pretend those that exist don't.
next time you feel upset, don't push it away. let yourself be upset, seriously.
say to yourself: “i'm upset. and i'm allowed to be.”
"i wanna be."
think about why you're upset. think about where you feel it in your body. notice it.
then, sit with the feeling. if it's uncomfortable, even better. slowly, you'll train yourself emotions aren't actually bad.
they also aren't good. they just are.
- anger
- sadness
- happiness
- fear
- pleasure
- love
- disgust
- guilt
here are several emotions. as you were reading through them, you probably decided which ones you did, and didn't like.
this bias is okay. we're allowed to favor some states more than others, and prefer them.
however, what may actually benefit you, is learning to accept them. regardless of bias.
we all feel things, and they area generally internal physical chemical reactions, nothing more, nothing less.
just the brain observing and firing different hormones and chemicals based on what it instinctively thinks it should do
to enforce this idea of "emotions are just emotions, and nothing more", consider fear
generally, we believe fear to be unwanted, and it feels uncomfortable
why then, do horror movies exist? why are haunted houses so damn popular?
because maybe the discomfort we feel from trying to push feelings away is what makes them uncomfortable
patterns
patterns are special.
they're so special we've implemented patterns into every avenue of our lives
and i'm not just talking about you and i.
everyone. every animal, every living being.
they're interwoven in music, they're in decor.
language, nature...
behaviour.
look around you, and notice what patterns you see
there are likely at least a few.
what constitutes a pattern? could a piece of paper be a pattern?
it is all white, and doesn't really change, so i'd call it a pattern
the most interesting part is: "why do us humans even like patterns?"
what is it about them that we like?
it's actually pretty interesting, and mostly comes down to survival
patterns are fundamentally things we recognize as "the same".
randomness is the essence of unrecognizeable or predictable characteristics
and this takes more mental energy from us than a predictable pattern
patterns let us process information faster... with less effort
it helped early humans survive, with association of danger.
"loud noises" = bad, run. follow this simple pattern and survive.
there's a reason why the brain makes patterns feel good, and that's exactly why
for our survival, and for our energy conservation
so this makes sense why we fall into patterns then, because patterns are easy
patterns require less effort
if you're an alcoholic and the choice is: resist having a drink and have a drink
and you've made it a pattern to drink
what is the brain going to prefer?
the drink.
the brain rewards patterns
so even though drinking less might be a goal of yours, your reward system is wired otherwise
because humans don't like change. they like patterns.
it doesn't mean we're stuck the way we are.
it doesn't mean you have to listen to your brain's every urge and compulsion
it doesn't mean you can't break free
it just explains why it may be hard, to break free
to say no
to be healthier
to have a better mindset
to wanna be when all you wanted was to go
to live life free, when your brain won't stop telling you no
but you have control over your actions
while we may not have control over our brains
we can always pause, and choose what to do
so, break a pattern this week
just for the sake of it
make a pattern of breaking patterns
trust me
yearning
do we know what it is to get what we want? maybe for some.
for me, it's never quite what i want. my expectations have always been far too high
of myself. of others. of the world itself.
it's why i was never able to enjoy drawing, because my expectations of myself were unrealistic and limiting.
"i suck at art, why bother?"
this mindset sucked.
i think to myself: “if only this was different, everything would be great.”
and yet here we are, time and time again and things are different, but they still don't feel great.
why's that?
because it's a learned behaviour, from us constantly expecting more, better, something else.
anything else from what you have.
because now, everyday, we consume advertisements, celebrities, brands, and agendas that don't describe reality
and we feel shitty because our lives don't match an overly glorified and branded influencer's life
but what's so wrong with what you have?
it's likely the fact that it isn't novel to you, right now at this moment in time.
and when you see things that ARE novel, you think, "wow if only."
but it's funny, with the way time, perception, and nostalgia work because one day in the future you may look back on now and think:
“wow things were so much better then”
or "wow things were so much more simple then,"
maybe even “i wish i could go back.”
the mind loves to wish about things because it gives a false sense of safety as if wishing for something will make that wish come true, or for there to be of any value in wishing for something at all
to be frank: it's a waste of mental energy. the only thing you can dramatically change right now is mindset.
and before you say “oh well what do you mean? i've tried so hard to change the way i think but nothing ever changes.”
boom. that's actually your problem. your expectation for things to change at all.
what if they never changed? would you be okay with that? why or why not?
if things stayed exactly how they are right now, would you be happy? could you be happy?
if you got everything you wanted, would you feel any different than you do now?
have you actually tried, being okay with the fact that maybe things will never change? and maybe they shouldn't?
at the end of the day, the most dramatic mindset shift you can make is: acceptance.
accepting that things kind of just “are.”
and there's not much else to it.
you can yearn, wish, and hope things could, would, or should be different, but reality is in front of you. you can choose to let it bother you, or you can accept what is.
and i don't know about you, but i much prefer being in the real world, than in some “perfect idea” of a dreamland. it's more interesting this way anyway.
“if only xyz was different.” -> “this is my reality.”
this is my reality. and yours too. it's our reality. let's not pretend we're in some kind of perfect world because that's just not the case.
we're in a universe where entropy- the law of disorder and chaos is a natural state. the universe is always creating disorder, whether we like it or not and our lives, for better or for worse are this way because we live in this reality
and i love it. and you do too, even if you're a bit reluctant to agree with me. it's just because you don't realize you love it yet
people take for granted almost everything
i broke my arm a couple years ago which resulted in surgery that then resulted in a pinched nerve which resulted in a non-functional arm and hand for about a year
i have never been so happy to be able to use something as simple as my arm after that
it put into perspective that, i take for granted so much. my health, my mind, my soul. everything that i am and everything that im not. everything the world is and all the little quirks around us.
it's beautiful. life is beautiful. but have you ever seen a beautiful person without imperfections? imperfections themselves are relative but when talking about conventional beauty, it's generally symmetry, defined features, and smooth skin.
but fuck it, you've probably met someone so much more beautiful without any of that
and so you already know what you want isn't perfectionism, it's appreciation. for life, and the beauty that is.